Slick’s room, Tuesday the 27th October, 14:00
Hey, it’s me again- plain to see again. I’m just full of creativity lately, it would seem. Maybe the drama of a new term in Durham is inspiring me…
So, today I’d like to talk to you about a topic which is very close to my heart. I’ve touched upon it in a few previous blogs, but not until now have I attempted to meet it head on. Yes, I am talking about the two words which express one concept which will make my male readers curse loudly in frustration- the dreaded “friend zone”. For those of you who don’t know the friend zone- i.e, females with poor self-awareness and people who live in caves, I suppose- it is the almost universal female habit of de-sexing their close male friends, regardless of otherwise relevant factors such as physical attractiveness or compatibility, in an attempt to make them “safe” to hang out with. No mere words can express the frustration this one silly psychological habit causes boys and men the world over, and yet, brave hero and spokesman for the everyman that I am, I will attempt it.
Firstly, and I address my female audience here, it is necessary to understand something crucial about the male psyche. We do not have a friend zone. If a girl is available, attractive, and compatible with us, there is no reason why we should/would not persue her, even if they are our best friends in the whole world- no reason, that is, except for the knowledge of certain defeat and humiliation at the hands of the friend zone. Think about it for a moment: the typical justification for not dating a friend is fear that it will “ruin the friendship”- and this, as far as it goes, is admirable enough. On full reflection, however, this is easily exposed as both naive and fruitless: firstly, consider the fact that, even if you have desexed your male friends, they have not done the same to you. Do you feel any different towards them? Hopefully, the answer is no. Guys understand instinctively that it is entirely possible to think of someone as both a friend and a potential romantic interest- we live with it every day. The existence of close guy/girl friendships is proof that it is possible to be close friends with someone who you would, should the opportunity arise, be more than friends with. Also, have you ever considered the possibility that advancing the friendship in a romantic way will ultimately bring you closer as friends? I know that has certainly been true of some of my relationships, and I consider it a valuable experience. The flip side of this coin is, of course, that maybe it will harm the friendship if one party likes the other party, but is dismissed- not because he is unattractive or unsuitable in any real sense, which, while harsh, would be fair enough, but simply because he is “a friend” and you “don’t think of him in that way”. The cliche of the guy best friend falling in love with the girl, helping her through her guy troubles and secretly hoping all along that things will change, is a staple of our collective imagination/Hollywood- but in real life, there is only so much of that a man can take before he needs to retire from his role as best friend for fear that his own testicles will throttle him in his sleep.
Okay, so I got kind of involved there. Allow me to take a deep breath and try to play devil’s advocate for a moment. Yes, it is true that, sometimes, if you date a friend and then break up, the friendship is ruined. But then it is also true that sometimes your best friend moves town and the friendship is ruined. Sometimes it is true that your best friend falls in love with someone who you can’t bring yourself to like, and the friendship is ruined. Sometimes it is true that you date your best friend and it is the most wonderful feeling in the world. Sometimes it is true that you date your best friend, it goes wrong, things are painful and awkward for a while, but after enough time the breach heals and the friendship is, if anything, stronger. Sometimes you don’t even need to “date” the friend in any official way: sometimes just the one night (or several, isolated nights) of more-than-platonicness, to put it delicately, with someone who was once “just” a friend, is enough to create a really meaningful bond which doesn’t interfere with, but magnifies the friendship. My point is that we should not allow ourselves to be ruled by fear: if they are really, truly your friend, then they will understand that a relationship might go wrong, and they will continue be your friend afterwards. Wow, I really sucked at playing devil’s advocate and defending the friend zone. Somehow i’m not surprised.
Let’s be fair; maybe it’s not something that can really be helped: perhaps the friend zone is an integral part of the female psyche’s defenses. But even if this is the case, history has proved that it is not undefeatable; there are people who fall in love- real, sexual, romantic, wonderful love- with people they once considered friends. And you might say “yes Slick, but these are special exceptions”- to which I would reply “do they have to be?” Women of the world, I beseech you to stop allowing fear to mentally castrate all of your close male friends- nothing ventured, nothing gained after all. Is not the perfect romantic partner someone who is also a best friend? Sure, it is normally the case that the romance comes first, and the friendship grows from it, but there is absolutely nothing in the world to say that this should always be the case.
Well, now that I have gotten that little rant out of my system, I will take a moment to address my male readers once more: fear not, brothers, for the friend zone, almighty a foe though he is, is not invincible. Gaze in wonder at Slick’s guide to kicking the friend zone good and hard in the crotch.
1) Alcohol is your friend. I’ve known girls to swear blind that someone was “just a friend”, only to lock lips with them 10 units or so later. And the real kicker is that at least some of these occasions, the people in question are now a full-fledged couple, and still going strong. It gives me hope.
2) Gentle flirting is your friend. Just throw out a few extra compliments, a few gently suggestive remarks. The goal here is to unsettle their comforting but ultimately unhelpful view of you as a sort of living ken doll. Remind them that you are a man, with a man’s needs and thoughts.
3) Occasionally, jealousy can be your friend. Sometimes all it takes is for you to get with someone else for the girl to realise that maybe you could be more than a friend- although the obvious question here is, if you have a jealousy inducing girl, why do you need the other girl? That is a question I leave you to answer for yourself.
4) If you can play it just right, elusiveness can be your friend. Just be slightly less available- don’t see them so often. Eventually, they will miss you, and it will have the effect of unsettling the whole “but he’s my friend” deal. Personally I am terrible at this strategy- I lack the patience and the necessary feigned coldness. But I have seen it work a treat.
And on a final, more personal note, if you are a close female friend of mine, reading this and starting to panic, don’t worry, this blog is not a secret and no-so-subtle confession of my love for you, it is simply an outcry of general frustration on the part of men in all times and places. In the immortal words of Captain Jack Sparrow, “it would never have worked between us anyway, love”
Because I value our friendship too much,
Slick
Slick111's Blog 