Hey kids,
What’s the hippy haps with you? All’s well in Slicktopia- I am due to start being gainfully employed again next week, and the future in general is full of all kinds of interesting possibilities.
So, with that ray of sunshine out of the way, I’d like to ask you all a question: what is the longest period of time for which you have been continuously single? Now, I’m not talking about “Oh i’m seeing a few people, maybe one of them will develop but i’m not sure i want that right now” single, or “well, I get laid all the time, but i’m a hit it and quit it kind of person” single, I mean properly, lonely “I really wish I had someone and feel like I am worthy of a relationship, but there is no-one for me. I am sad.”, eat a whole pint of Ben and Jerry’s kind of single. (That’s what loneliness is right? Ben and Jerry’s?)
Now I’m going to make a boldly overreaching statement about your hypothetical answers to that question and then bullshit about it for a while.
I’m guessing there are two kinds of answers. Firstly, “Oh gosh, let me think…. well me and x broke up in September, but I didn’t start seeing y until December… well, not “properly”… so, three months? I mean, if you don’t count that time x came to my house while drunk and said we should get back together and we spent the night together and it was really sweet but ultimately I had to end it” and secondly “Hmm, what year is it now? 2012 you say? Wow…. just… wow. *mumbles* something like 2 years*”. Or three responses if you count sobbing, but I’m gonna go ahead and count that one as akin to the second response.
As you all know, I am very careful never to make sweeping generalisations, particularly about women, but I’m going to go ahead and attribute the first response (more commonly) to females and the second (more commonly) to males. I am not, of course, saying that perpetual boyfriends and lonely women do not exist- in fact, i’d encourage any of the latter to get in touch (you can’t see it through your monitor but I’m doing a winning smile right now, ladies), but simply that they are not the norm, and if I were to lay those two responses out on a scale I think we’d find a definite gender bias.
So, it behooves us to ask: why should this be the case? Why are there so many perpetual batchelors and so many perpetual girlfriends? Surely that doesn’t make sense, mathematically speaking? Well, I’m not sure frankly, but I do have some vague, anecdotally supported ideas which i lay down here as fact.
I think at least some of it is to do with jealousy, and how it’s expressed by the different sexes. Bear with me. To my mind, a man, who is in a stable relationship with a girl he cares about, upon meeting an attractive, single lady, deliberately distances himself so as not to fall into temptation. Maybe that’s just my sentiment, but I get the feeling that it’s wider spread than that, and that boyfriends in general step carefully around the fairer sex- after all, it is extremely difficult to disentangle yourself from someone who has gotten too interested without realising your situation in a graceful manner, without making the old lady jealous. And the whole “Do you fancy my best friend” trick question is practically a staple of romantic comedy. Hint, the answer is generally no. You know, unless you’re into that kind of thing. Winning smile.
Women, on the other hand, if I may be so bold as to venture into unfamiliar mental territory, think a little more along these lines “Hey that guys cute. And I totally have a boyfriend, so it’s ok to be friends with him, and even get quite close, because he knows nothing is ever going to happen Hint: he doesn’t and if my boyfriend gets jealous then he clearly doesn’t trust me enough”. the end result of these social dynamics is that, if a relationship does break up, the guy doesn’t know any eligible women, and any he did know or his now ex-gf’s friends anyway, while the young lady has… a stable, shall we say, of eligible bachelors who are just soo sweet and understanding about my recent break up.
Now, again, of course there are jealous men (famously so, in fact), and chilled out women, but i think this at least provides one idea of why there seems to be a fairly obvious disparity in singlehood time.
A second thought that occurred to me was that there are perhaps a higher number of men two timing women than vice-versa, thus accounting for the statistical anomaly- for some men to have 2 girlfriends, many men must have none. And perhaps this is, to some extent, the case- but it doesn’t sit right with me, because for it to really provide a full account there would have to be a lot of two timing bastards. Like, half of the men would have to be doing it. And I don’t think I can condemn mankind that harshly.
The end result is this: often, one will meett a nice young lady in a bar or at a party, and one will engage them in conversation, finding them to be intellectually and visually stimulating. Laughs while be shared, you’ll get her a drink- if she’s really special she’ll get you one- and, just as you are mustering up the courage to make some sort of move (you’re dancing extra close, or shuffling along the couch), she’ll drop the boyfriend bombshell like it’s not even a thing and keep talking while you try to act like you were just stretching or whatever. Hint: it’t totally obvious to everyone else what’s gone on . Maybe you’ll stay in touch with her, make a friend of her- or maybe you’ll judge the minimum socially acceptable time before you can go talk to someone more available, and all the while you’ll be thinking “Damn this stupid invisible boyfriend! He isn’t even here and he’s still cockblocking me! Oh god, what if he doesn’t exist? What if she invented a boyfriend because she found me creepy? No, he probably exists. And I bet he’s ugly too. And less cool than me. Wait- he’s probably better looking than me, and more cool, but inside he’s just a douchebag and we’ll end up together really, like in every film ever. Or maybe he is just better than me. Stupid invisible boyfriend.
Congratulations, you’ve just discovered the invisible boyfriend club. A shadowy organisation with nebulous membership whose only goal seems to be snapping up all the good looking, cool, fun girls before you get a fair chance. Maybe they’ve been together for ages, or maybe they just started officially going out, but you will hate them regardless. Which is silly really; doubtless there a nice, caring guy who treats your objet d’amour as well as she deserves. There probably just like you. And one day, you’ll meet a girl- a nice, single gir this time- and you’ll stay up talking all night, and really like each other, and declare your relationship on facebook and now you’re one of them. You’re a secret boyfriend, you utter bastard.
Ahem. Sorry. Got a little carried away there. Just conjecture, obviously. Anyway. Those are some reasons why it might be the case that in general, men tend to be single for much longer periods than women…
Slick
P.S maybe it’s a geographical thing? Like there’s an island somewhere with just thousands of women on it? Ladies, get in touch.
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