You can’t always get what you want

Slick’s room, Friday the 3rd of June, 11:41

Good evening everyone. Tonight’s blog will be a return to my dialectic roots. I am going to talk about how women are silly and should all like me more.

So a survey was published recently. The aim of the survey was to test how women react to three different groups of men- men who, they are told, are interested in them, men who they are told are definitely not interested in them, and men about whom they where given no information either way. They were then asked how interested they were in the different groups of men (all other variables being equal) I believe the format of the survey was a kind of pseudo-speed dating thing in which the researchers manipulated the results to test for the desired variables.

Now who can guess what they found? If the women thought that a man was not interested in her, then she lost interest in him. Hear hear I say- very sensible reaction. But can you guess which group rated most highly with the female test subjects? If you answered “the ones who they knew nothing about one way or another” congratulations, you win the prize. It turns out that the second biggest turn off for a woman is confessing that you like them (the first biggest being to tell them that you actively dislike them)…

Now, frankly, I am not surprised by these results- in fact, I think it’s wonderful that the universe occasionally reaches out and confirms my chauvinistic preconceptions like this. This presumption of mystery, and therefore an inclination to hide one’s true feelings at all times, is one of the core principles of playing the game (http://slick111.wordpress.com/2010/02/01/the-winner-takes-it-all/) , but I think it bears a little discussion, if only because it is, if you think about it, completely insane.

If, like Paris of Troy, I was asked to choose between three beautiful women, one of whom told me icily to piss off, one of whom shook my hand and said “nice to meet you” and the third of whom said “wow, you’re gorgeous! Let’s go somewhere more private so I can admire you from a better angle”, you can bet your life savings on the fact that I wouldn’t waste any time chatting up the first two. And this, to me, is the glaringly obvious choice- to even consider another path boggles my mind. And perhaps some of you are saying “no Slick, you are assuming women are shallow like you and only care about looks and sex blah blah blah” then you are incorrect- the whole point of the survey was that it was testing women’s reactions based purely on the men’s attitudes, not on other factors like intelligence, personality, chemistry etc. it’s not like they were asked to choose between a friendly stranger, an unfriendly stranger, and a man they have loved from afar but never been sure if the feeling was reciprocal- the whole point is that is the uncertainty that is attractive! Does anyone else see how crazy that is?

Ok, perhaps I am over-reacting. I am, after all, a fairly cautious, non-committal person, who has learnt to his own great cost that you can never really tell if another person cares about you as much as you care about them, or even as much as they claim to care about you. But even given that, the choice on offer seems like a no brainer- it is analogous to someone offering you a choice between nothing, 20 pounds, and a box with “20 pounds?” Written on it. Only Peter Griffin could fail to solve this dilemma correctly!

In essence, this result is a manifestation of the “thrill of the hunt” principle- the very challenge of the situation is what makes it compelling- and I suppose I can see how that works, at least to an extent (as I heard a guy on youtube put it when talking about women and their disdain for men who openly admit to liking them “which is more satisfying completing Halo on easy. Or completing it on Legendary?” However, if the thrill of the hunt is so compelling, why does all of our food come from farms? Agriculture has surely been seen as an improvement on the hunter-gatherer system, rather than a less enjoyable alternative.

Hmm, on reflection I actually think I am starting to understand why the whole mystery/thrill of the hunt thing is a bigger deal for women than it is for me/men (I assume I’m not alone on this one?). Women in general have an easier time getting dates/boyfriends/male attention than vice versa- fact of life. So, while a woman might not know that a particular man finds her attractive, she generally knows that there are men around who do find her attractive. This means she can pursue the more challenging target without the background fear of rejection. Men, on the other hand, in this increasingly strained metaphor, are more like subsistence hunters- man cannot live on bread alone, and so on- so they are much more likely to approach/pursue someone who they already know is definitely interested, like lions picking off a wounded gazelle… Ok, this analogy has totally run away with me now, but hopefully you see what I’m getting at. I suppose I’d also add at this point that “players”- men who are used to attracting women easily- might be more inclined to adopt the sport-hunting approach and seek out women are less obviously interested, or even a little aloof.

As you might have read between the lines from this and other blogs, the reason I have difficulty accepting the whole “women don’t like guys who obviously like them”  principle is simple: I like women. I don’t, as a rule, hide it very well. In the aforementioned survey, I would doubtless be in the group who said “I am interested in you”. Now, I like to hope I can flirt wittily with the best of them, but, when it comes down to it, hard-to-get is just not in my make up, and it saddens me that the universe seems intent on holding that against me.  Especially as I believe it makes it simpler for everyone when I simply whip my intentions out for everyone to see.

There is  some hope for me yet- the last woman I (was? Am? Let’s go with “have been”- the past particple is nicely ambiguous, which is apparently what women are after) involved with actually sent me a text saying, to paraphrase slightly “it’s on”, which is how I knew that it was on and that I should make a further move. I find this kind of boldness refreshing, though sadly rare.  So, until there is a dramatic sea-change in male-female interaction, I suppose I shall simply have to suck it up and start learning to prevaricate and pretend disinterest. In the words of Oscar Wilde, that infamous skirt-chaser, “whenever I meet a beautiful woman I have to start pretending I have no desire to make love to her” (it was probably Oscar Wilde)

Love (or maybe not? Who knows? I am mysterious now)

Slick

P.S I’m pretty sure the survey which sparked this entire tirade was in the Melbourne Metro, or possibly the Age, but with a little half-hearted research I cannot relocate it. Still, let’s assume it exists and I’m not just whistling into the wind eh?